In spiritual circles, everyone always talks about unconditional love, universal love or other forms of love. What is love in the end? We do feel love towards our partners, friends and family at least occasionally. We do sometimes feel love towards ourselves too. But what is it? What is this magical love really?
Often we also often wonder what is the opposite of love? In romantic love, we most often experience irritations, anger and frustrations after the initial honeymoon is over. Why cannot we just constantly experience smooth and pure love at all times? Why do we experience these annoying irritations and other frustrations? Why has this been made so complex?
To find answers to these seemingly simple questions I have had a lifelong quest on this and finally, I think I am inching a bit closer to the ultimate answer. I have gone through several long relationships in my life and I have experienced all the normal issues everyone seems to experience. Yes, it can be very frustrating at times. Anger, impatience and inability to deal our own shadows and general avoidance of talking about the problems are the most common issues I believe most experience in their relationships.
During my quest, I have gone through two spiritual experiences which helped me to get closer to the answer what love really is. The first experience was in Findhorn Foundation in 1997 during a 2-week Conflict Facilitation training led by Ben Fuchs at a time. Conflicts were things I certainly was avoiding at that time as my family background was so challenging. So I decided to try to tackle the problem and booked this workshop. It was certainly a great choice, a life-changing choice indeed. We did intensive process work and Ben demonstrated how in the end it is all about how we communicate. To use non-judgemental and non-violent communication is one key on how to tackle the problem. To use observations rather than judgements can help a lot in any situation.
Halfway through the workshop, I was still very stuck with myself, I was really frustrated. I spoke about this with Ben and he suggested to have a quick private session with him which sounded like a great idea. When we had that session I had the first realisation in my life that the only thing that really prevents me to fulfil my life fully is myself. I am keeping myself in the prison – not anyone else. This was a huge realisation to me at a time. This realisation was so powerful that I actually went into a space of unconditional love for 2 days. I totally felt one with everything and healing energy was just flowing from my hands non-stop. I could not concentrate on the workshop really on those days and interestingly I also did not have to eat or drink anything for a few days. When I walked in the forest I felt one with all the trees and anything that was there. It was amazing. It certainly was an awakening. Then I gradually landed back to my body and life become to be more normal. I had experienced oneness and I felt how everything is interconnected. Everything is just the same one being.
My personal relationships were however not very conflict free after that. There was still a lot of growing to do on my path. I had however now a reference point, a memory of oneness, but I was still unable to go back there even if I tried. I had lost the oneness and few years on experienced a lot of depression as I felt so separate from the source.
Then in 2012 when I started getting deeper into my shamanic path I travelled in Peru for a 6 month period and as part of that journey, I participated in a Shamanic ritual in the Andean highlands, near the Amazon jungle. This ritual was my initiation to the power of Mother Ayahuasca. As I had read from Jeremy Narby’s amazing book “Cosmic Serpent: DNA and the Origins of Knowledge” that this medicine plant can create very powerful hallucinations but the process can also facilitate deep spiritual healing if the ritual is performed in a scared and safe way. The shaman running this ritual was a healer too and he was working with a small group of healers and musicians facilitating the sacred ritual. It felt right for me to join and I was quite excited.
However, on the morning of the ritual, I was suddenly really afraid. Am I going to lose my mind? Will I ever come back? I nearly decided not to do it at all as I was suddenly so nervous. I looked into the runes and to my amazement, I did get a clear Yes from my rune-set. I got the Rune Ior upright which can also be seen to represent Mother Ayahuasca as she really is a powerful feminine spirit. She really teaches about the real feminine power. So even the Runes did not give me a reason to escape so I just then had to go, but I was still resistant and nervous.
The evening got darker and we were in this small building near the jungle and it was time to drink. We were told to drink the medicine quickly and then just lay down and rest. We were told not to resist and just let go, to surrender to the Mother. Purging was also to be expected so we had buckets next to us ready to be in service.
Then I just waited. Waited. I started seeing colourful visual patterns when I closed my eyes. When I opened my eyes the visuals stopped. I thought, excellent, I can control this experience just be keeping my eyes open. I felt more tired though and my eyes kept closing. I kept opening my eyes trying to stop the patterns and then I started losing my ability to track if my eyes were really closed or open. When I had my eyes closed, I thought they were open. I was starting to lose control completely and started feeling really uncomfortable. I decided to try to keep control as I really did not want to lose myself.
Then I saw a fractal clown the appearing in front of me just laughing at me. I told her that I can control this, as you cannot take away my reference point, the singularity of my mind, I insisted! She looked at me and laughed “let's see about that!”. Then my singularity was suddenly split into four and my consciousness was in pieces. I was suddenly unsure where I was as I was everywhere – there was no focal point left anymore. I heard mad laughter. Then my consciousness was completely shattered in millions of pieces and I felt I was going to die. I decided at that point that never again, never again I will do anything like this. This is horrible, I want this to stop and I want it to stop now! Help me!
A bit later the dream became more pleasant (after I had purged). Angel healers appeared around me (the retreat had energy healers that gave healing). I could see their energy meridians clearly in their bodies as bright blue lines which were pulsing Tibetan symbols through them. Electric blue ancient symbols flowing through the meridians when the angels were giving healing to me. My own body was also full of bright blue lines and they were receiving these symbols. The symbols kept coming through the meridians and they changed in the hand chakras, pulsed and danced. This is beautiful, this really is what healing looks like, I thought. Amazing.
I was really happy when it all was over. I told to the Shaman running the retreat that I prefer not to drink on the second night. He said I should participate but I can decide myself if I drink or not. I thought never again although part of me was still thinking maybe, perhaps I will drink but another part of me was still saying never, never again!
The second evening arrived and I decided that I am indeed ready for a second drink. I had become calmer and more grounded during the day. I decided that this time there is no other option than total surrender to the experience, to the spirit of Ayahuasca. I cannot control this experience and the only way to have a more pleasant night is just to surrender. Easy? I had fleeting fears when the night got darker but I just loved them, accepted them and embraced them. I decided that there is no way for me to do this control thing anymore and then the only way is to surrender and let go completely. I was ready to dissolve completely.
I got my drink and went and sat down. We were supposed to sit-up and do healing chakra chanting throughout the first 30 minutes. I did manage to sit for a while but when the Ayahuasca entered me and I just collapsed to the floor and purged in front of everyone. Luckily it all went into the bucket. I just loved it all. I was not worried I could not chant like the others and I was just happily holding my bucket tightly and purging. I decided not to worry at all and just love every second and surrender and to drop into the experience. I saw the floor turning into fractal patterns. I just loved it, totally crazy. For a moment the fear came back and I started worrying am I going to lose my mind completely? I then just loved that fear and dropped deeper. Then it happened. I dropped through the fractal patterns and I landed in what might be called the God consciousness. Suddenly everything was silent. I was in a golden space, in a golden space where there was nothing. There was no-thing, just this golden space. I knew this was everything there is. This is all that there is, there is nothing more. This is the Godhead. It felt so beautiful, I felt a deep love, the deep oneness I had experienced before. I felt home.
Then the gold space started expanding, forms were created out of that golden love. When I opened my eyes a bit later everything I saw had seven-dimensional gateways around them. Each plant, animal or human being. Even crystals and Buddha statues had this gateway around them. This gateway was the way to access this golden love. I saw that everything was created from that golden love and different levels of realities existed for each point of consciousness. I saw that anger, frustrations were just love which is frozen, unable to flow. When there is no flow humans experience it as a pain. I saw and understood why we are suffering. We are suffering so we learn to find our way to love. If we resist the flow, resist the constant change by trying to control it, love is frozen and we experience pain. Through healing, through releasing that frozen emotion love can flow again and the pain is removed. It all become clear to me. There is indeed nothing else than love.
I became a seven-dimensional Buddha sitting in the timeless now and observing how I create the entire multiverse. As we are all one, we all create. We are all timeless Buddha’s creating the universes, dimensions and life. From the limited logical mind, this might not look like it but this is the spiritual truth. We are all Gods who are part of the flow of love and we are here at the physical dimension just learning more about love.
I spent a few days after that ritual in a total flow state. When I held my friend's hand she was filled with peace and light. I wish I would be always able to remain on that wonderful state of bliss as this would make healing work totally effortless and quick.
What I learned from the Mother Ayahuasca was how important it is to surrender. Any negativity we experience is just frozen love and an opportunity to learn more about love. It is not about controlling life, it is about letting life to flow and as we let the life just happen without really planning it we truly then become creators. We create with our hearts rather than our minds. We create with intention originating from the heart as love and not with intention originating from the mind. Of course, the entire world is very stuck in a logical mindset at the moment. However, every person who is more connected with the power of the timeless feminine mind, which is hidden behind the logical seemingly physical world, helps the entire world to increase its vibrations and make our world a bit more awakened. We awaken this world one step at a time, one little step at a time.
The world genuinely is what we think. And the more we surrender, the more we can actually create. It does defy logic as the feminine logic works in a different way. And the more we create, the closer we are to become just pure love. It is scientifically proven that the material world does not really exist, only the underlying wave motions do. These wave motions are the feminine underlying energy holding us, the Mother. The masculine energy we use to perceive the world sees everything in a way which is permanent. However, the truth is that everything is in a constant change, in a constant flow. Nothing is static, nothing is physical, nothing is logical.
You cannot demand or ask for love. We cannot buy love. You can just be love and give love, and once you give love then receive it. This is the other teaching I received from Mother Ayahuasca. This is why the world is so imbalanced today as everyone has their own limited world-view and everyone demands everyone else subscribe to it. Each religion, each belief system even science demands you to subscribe to its masculine logic. Everyone has a logical solution, you will be saved if you do X, Y and Z! Everyone just needs to let it be and surrender to the power of love and really not do so much. To surrender to the feminine logic and to really start creating in a balanced and harmonious way.
Everyone just has to start loving their friends, colleagues, families and everyone they meet. Everyone just has to start gifting others with love and other things. If we all love each other, the world is transformed into a beautiful place in an instant as the shared consciousness will then evolve and change even the physical appearance of everything. We are not far away from this and the fifth world age we live at this time is the world age we will experience this peace and unity consciousness again. Hopefully soon!